freedom.

i want to talk about freedom
i want to hear yours and
i will tell you mine

here is the thing...i am not living fully inside of my freedom (or even half way but who's counting?) i feel crazy saying this as we are some of the luckiest people in the world to be so free.

i have written & rewritten this post, sitting in front of words that are blurring, asking what they want from me, another blank screen, deleting more than usual and trying to figure out what i am supposed to learn (from my words to you) about freedom.. this just in: it's an ENORMOUS subject (heads up if you ever want to write about it).

earlier on (back in 1776 :) when my canvas on life was a little less full, pre-marriage, pre-kids, with a different kind of chaos, freedom was a key ingredient to the kind of meal i was cooking up with the universe, intentions & independence intact, like a beautiful cork board of pinned images, quotes & thoughts.  i was inside of my freedom creating the next evolution of me. i was in my body, i was inside every choice, inside each creative moment, i was also on my way to yoga, a steam, body work, painting the 30th painting about relationships and taking NAPS... ahhhhh naps.

split the screen to that cork board coming alive in a real way, with that nonstick tape that ruins the walls & stays there forever: a husband, 2 young kids, financial hardship, health challenges, life in the insane lane & more...

freeeeedom? freeeeedom? come out, come out, wherever you are!

when i ask myself about freedom now, today, july 3rd, 2013, my first thought is "i hope i am giving enough of it to my children, i hope they feel free" as though i am the keeper of their freedom and then i realize, i am the keeper of their freedom. it feels absolutely tragic for kids not to have freedom to explore their world, their feelings, their bodies, evolve inside their own rhythms, steep inside the generosity, abundance and beauty that freedom gives us so freely...

then i go a step further, realizing that my freedom is their freedom... my kids, my family, my community. if i am the keeper of their freedom, i must be the keeper of my freedom...DING! the freedom award goes to....ME!

then i look at my freedom. oy vey. it's an exhausted, cross-eyed, blurred bit of  self care hanging on a tattered string, it's a pair of crappy black out shades not doing the job, a dash of desperation, an old pair of cushion-less new balance sneakers with the last remnants of paint all over them reminding me of a time when i was free with mental flashbacks of clear ocean waters, pina coladas, endless moments of time (with maybe a nap thrown in) & being able to complete a sentence, a thought, an idea without being interrupted by anyone under 7 years old. it's a time when my words might have still meant something to someone. 

i feel that freedom is not lost, i just lost it along the way.  the best thing about freedom is i get to create it again, customize it for how i will thrive today in my life, make a shape of freedom that fits inside the chaos so that i can breathe better & live deeper in my life instead of waiting to grab all of it later (like after the storm, which will never end, thankfully). 

i think i have been hungry, ok, starving for some more freedom. i guess it always comes back to hunger, nourishment and how we are sating these pieces in our lives. i will let you know how it goes.

happy independence day beautiesxxxx